Relationship Goals 2 – Notes/Discussion

Proverbs 18:22, 27:15, Song of Solomon 5, Ephesians 4L26,27

Proverbs 18:22 (NIV) He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord. So, yes… Marriage is a blessing when it's a blessing.

Proverbs 27:15 (NLT) A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as a leaking roof on a rainy day.

When marriage is good, it’s a blessing. When. it’s not, it’s not a blessing.

If marriage is a covenant and the expectation is that we would remain married “till death do us part”, then what do we do during the tough times of marriage.

What do we do during the “worse” times of for better for worse…

What do we do during the “poor” times of for richer for poorer…

What do we do during the “sick” times of “in sickness and in health…

Chapters 1,2 are Solomon and his bride complimenting each other as they approach their wedding day. So, you could call this their “dating” or “courting” time.

Chapter 3 describes their wedding day…

Chapter 4 talks about their honeymoon, and the very next chapter…

Chapter 5 describes their first fight or argument…

Chapter 6 talks about how they reconciled and “made up.”

3 seasons of marriage.

Romance (Honeymoon)

Disillusionment

Joy (Commitment)

Every marriage cycles through these 3 stages.

BIG idea - Healthy conflict leads to healthy relationships.

3 stages of conflict…

1) The fight - 5:2-6

Top 5 sources of marital conflict…

5) Kids

4) In-laws/extended family

3) Sexual issues

2) Finances

1) Communication break down - Lack of communication is why small fights turn into big fights.

Set some boundaries around your fighting

Never fight in public

Never in front of the kids -

Never physical

Never yell

Never stomp off

Set a time limit - Ephesians 4:26,27

Control your words

Don’t get historical

Watch your body language

58% of communication is non-verbal

35% is the tone of our voice

7% are our actual words

Four most romantic words for guys…

And then what happened?

2) The choice

By choosing not to give in to each other we are choosing to give in to the devil.

Matthew 5:23,24 (NLT) So if you are presenting a sacrifice (worship) at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.

Song of Solomon 5:10,11 (NIV) My beloved is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. (She’s angry at him but still… she chooses to believe the best about him)... His head is purest gold; his hair is wavy and black as a raven.

5:12 (NIV) His eyes are like doves by the water streams, washed in milk, mounted like jewels.

5:13 (NIV) His cheeks are like beds of spice yielding perfume. His lips are like lilies dripping with myrrh. - In spite of what happened, she’s not going to give the enemy any place in their marriage. Yeah, she’s still angry, frustrated and upset. Yeah, she has valid grounds for her feelings. But, despite that, she makes a conscious decision to humble herself and go to her husband to sort things out.

But, the beauty of this example is, even though she can’t control what her husband is doing - watch this, this us HUGE - while she’s choosing to humble herself and take the initiative to go seek her husband, unbeknownst to her, he’s doing the same thing!

6:4 (NIV) You are as beautiful as Tirzah (Tirzah was an ancient city. It’s mentioned in the book of Joshua… It was surrounded by cypress trees… The name means, literally “pleasing”)… my darling, as lovely as Jerusalem, as majestic as troops with banners.

6:5 (NIV) Turn your eyes from me; they overwhelm me. (Then watch what he does next… He takes her back to their wedding day and pulls out those same lines he spoke to her when they were at the honeymoon suite on their honeymoon night)…Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead.

6:6 (NIV) Your teeth are like a flock of sheep coming up from the washing. Each has its twin, not one of them is missing. (So we know she wasn’t from the Arkansas)…

3) The reconciliation - This is where healing and restoration comes.

Song of Solomon 6:12 (NIV) Before I realized it, my desire set me among the royal chariots of my people. - Back then chariots were very important. And when the king or ruler of a nation wanted to show a strong and united front, they would have their servants bring their royal chariot out and he, and his wife, would step up into the chariot and parade around in front of the people as a show of strength, a show of unity and a show of hope going forward.

Not only did Solomon and his wife work through their problems and their issues, they also grew closer together as a result of learning to fight the right way. And now their relationship was stronger as they were publicly proclaiming, “What God has joined together, let no man separate.”

Ultimately reconciliation takes one thing, forgiveness. And at the end of the day, we can choose to hold on to those hurts and misunderstandings, or… we can choose to forgive and let Jesus wipe the slate clean and give us a fresh start.

If you think your marriage is beyond hope and healing here’s what I want you to do… remove this from your spouse and view it in the context of your relationship with God…

Application: When you came to God, you were a mess. If not immoral and unfaithful at least selfish. There was nothing about you that was attractive to God. Nothing! And God had every right to look at you and say, “Nah… Think I’ll pass on him. I can do better than that.” And He would have been right. But He took a chance on you. He decided to love you despite how messed up, unfaithful and hurtful I had been to Him. Why? Because He knew that if you would respond to His unconditional, agape love, you would change and become the person He wanted you to become. The person He created you to become. So, I’m, inviting you to let God work in your marriage in your life. And if you do, here’s what I promise will happen…

You will come to love not by finding the perfect person but by seeing the imperfect person perfectly.

A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.